I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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