I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
