My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
there is glitter all over my balls
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
