I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
