I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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