I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
