btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
