i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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