Please, let me fuck your mom
My brain says no but my pants say off.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize