i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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