i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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