Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
