Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
be right there i have to get my cape
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
