We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
