the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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