New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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