No awkward lesbian experiences without me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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