Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
