saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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