fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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