omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize