The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
