I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
sex in a hospital.. check
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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