this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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