Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
