Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
