I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
birth control should be required to get into college
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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