I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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