I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
