I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
