i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
