As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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