Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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