Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Warsđ
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Iâve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about âhow to eat assâ. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but itâs needs to chill
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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