What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
