god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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