Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
