doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
