I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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