Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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