Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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