I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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