Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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