Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
