so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ugly people sure do ruin things
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
