The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
