i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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