She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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