Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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