hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
