guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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