wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize