Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Randomize
