booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
