This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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