if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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