I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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