I puked a lego.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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