i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
