I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
