I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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