i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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