Non-Jews are for practice
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize