just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
